Just give me the sign!

Babyland is booming these days as the boomers kids head into parentland. And oh! the changes!

Thirty years ago when kids one, two and three were wee all I heard from my mom was how many wonderful inventions there were. Well, welcome to antique-land as the new mommies and daddies herald gizmos we couldn’t even have dreamed of.

Video hand-held baby monitors, car seats that double as space capsules, the miraculous “Sophie” teething phenomenon (forget those frozen breadsticks!), and on and on.

Perhaps one of the most useful tools is a book by the ‘baby whisperer” who spent years analyzing the cries of infants. Her book tells new parents what each cry means. Sure takes away that desire to hold up the 7 pound wonder, look puzzled into its eyes and croon, “just tell me what’s up!”

Imagine knowing!

Well, Apple Corporation has taken it a step farther. I-phone users can now download an application that lets them record the baby’s cry and get an immediate analysis: diaper change, hunger, colic, acid reflux, bored, overtired… you name it!

Well, as my sister and I discussed our parenting lives (which never stop, really) it occurred to us that Apple could take this analysis idea to an even higher level.

Let’s tell us what the temper tantrum of the two-year-old is all about. And those vicious nine year olds with their threats… what’s that mean? And then we can move into teenland. Daughters and sons get divided into different categories here… There would be the blue T-app and the pink T-app and you’d have to download each separately (at $2.99 each).

The Pink-App would define various sighs. You could hold the phone up and use its movie camera to capture the eyes-rear-rolling-simultaneous-sigh-from-the-gut-clipped-off-with-a-huff. That’s the “you, as a parent, are the bain of my existence, the weight of embarrassment that I must bear during the next decade.” Can’t do anything about it, but at least I’d know.

Then there’s the fast-sigh which translates into “all my clothes are obsolete and I need you to get in your car and open your wallet but don’t come into the mall with me.” Aaaahhh, yes.

And the eyes-rolled-to-the-left-chin-raised-long-painful-sigh… which means “he didn’t call me back and I’m not going to the dance with that geek!”

The blue app could help just as much. The stomach-grunt-coupled-with-vacant-eyes … what’s that mean? It could be “there’s nothing but lousy food in the fridge.” The throat-grunt (there’s a difference) with-eyes-rolled-up means “nope, no call back for that date.” And the slam of the backpack flat down on the hall stand… what’s that mean? “Don’t ask for my report card because I threw it out on the way home!”

See what I mean? It could simplify life enormously.

Once Apple has mastered that, I suppose they will want to do a kids version. “If your mother grabs her T-shirt and flaps vigorously, it means she’s hot and she’s going to be hot until you’re 27.”

Okay Apple! Let’s get going!